Manic Oppressive

Man Found Driving Ambulance With Dead Deer – Comcast.net

Ahh, I want to be that guy when I grow up.

I was leaving work this evening, and when I got to my car, a burst of wind started kicking up dust. I look around and realize that there’s a big cloud, right over me. So I think, I can beat it…

So I zoom towards 36 and get on it east-bound. Traffic is moving about the speed limit, the rain is behind us. All is good. Until there is a lightning strike right next to the highway (I sensed it before it happened, to give you an idea how close I was) So I think “Let’s move… go, Go GO!”

And everyone else slows down. I can’t figure this out; I’m in a thunderstorm I want to get the hell out, but everyone else on the highways wants to take it with leisure. Whatever. So the storm catches up to me, and then I get ahead of it. I noticed that it was moving faster to the south, so I stay on 270.

And for the most part, I stay ahead of the storm, a little rain, but nothing to worry about. I get on 225 and it actually looks like I might get away with my scheme. And I probably would have; but there were other people on the highway too, and they had the same problem with thunder as the folks on 36 did. As soon as it got close, they all slowed down. And then it started coming down and I was stuck for 15 minutes.

Other people. Grr. Makes me want to thin the herd a bit, know what I mean?

I saw a Dodge truck recently that was totally decked out in ads for KYGO, John Elway Dodge, The ram (”Grab life by the horns” and whatnot). You see this truck and you think, “John Wayne would own a dodge…”

In the bed of the truck was a 300cc generator that said simply, “Honda”.

Well, I thought it was funny.

The advertising blurb for Burns Park tells us exactly what it has to offer.

I just love how occasionally I’ll open up a document in Microsoft word, and it displays a dialog box that says: “It is recommended that unless you need to make any changes to this document, you open it as read only. Open as read only? ”

So I click, “Yes,” which (I assume) opens it as read only.

Then, when I figure out what I needed to figure out, I close the document. I never make any changes (I’d get shot), yet without fail it says: “Would you like to save the changes you made to document.doc?”

Honey, I didn’t make any changes, and I had opened it read only… Remember?

This makes me wonder what Microsoft thinks read only means. Evidently, it does not mean “not writable.” No, it means something dark and scary. (”Bill was sad that he only had a read-only mind reader, but the techs were working on a read/write mind reader so Bill was happy again as he whistled to himself through the run-on sentence.”)

I have this unnatural fear of doors. It started at the Cherry Creek Shopping Center, where it isn’t obvious which ways the doors open up. So if one were to approach them incorrectly, one would try to open the wrong side, and end up in the emergency room. Whenever I go there, I see it happen. (Mostly to adolescent girls, which makes it funny, but I digress).

My fear turned into a phobia one night, when I was walking with my friend Vince in a mall, both of us zipping by the other folks in our leather trenchcoats, walking in stride. We came to the doors in symetry, and raised our hands to push them open. The door he picked the right side of the door to push, I didn’t. I ended up on the floor, wondering what the hell really did happen to Jimmy Hoffa and why I smelled like Windex.

So I started looking at the tops of the doors to see what the hinges looked like, and then push the side of the door opposing the hinges. This strategy usually works, and if it doesn’t then I read the sign that says “Pull” on the door, and try again. If that fails, then I usually nonchalantly throw a chair through a window, pull the fire alarm, and then follow everyone else out.

However, none of these strategies seem to be working anymore, especially in some of the new art-deco places that are becoming abundant in the Once and Forever city of Denver. I was at a place in Cherry Creek where the glass doors had no noticible hardware at all. It took a rather complicated empirical study to determine that there was even a door there at all. It was amusing watching people walk into it, then stare at it bewildered, and then cautiously push one side of it to see if it would open.

In any event, I need a new method for determining how to open these new-fangled doors.

So, whilst my brother and sister-in-law take to their honey moon, I have been instructed to take care of their plants. There was a mess-up with the keys, and evidently my brother doesn’t know any of my four email addresses, but I was eventually given instructions and keys to perform my duty.

One of the things he says in his email is that there is a “pineapple looking plant” that he thinks is a bromeliad. He goes on to say that he got it as a gift, and most definitely he did not want it to die while they were on their honeymoon. To Cancun. So I went to his place last night and watered, and I looked at the plant. Yup, it was a bromeliad. Quite positive on that, although it doesn’t look like a pineapple in my opinion, they are of the same genus.

I went tonight and noticed that the bromeliad was having some difficulty, starting to droop a little and was turning a little bit brown on the edges. So I pulled the card to read the care instructions. It says that it it is a Guzmania, which incidently, after the pineapple, is the only other bromeliad that I’m familiar with.

I’m familiar with it because it is notoriously easy to kill.

*sigh*

I took it with me, in the hopes that I can give it the love and care that it needs in my apartment, so that it won’t die until they get back.

It’s one of those things that needs a lot of humidity, so I talked to a girl that lives down from me. She suggested taking a shower with it. I mentioned that I’d have to give it a name first, but might be a good idea. I’ll name it “Toto”. Hopefully, I’m not breaking any rules by doing this.

I also put it in a jerry-rigged humidity tray. We’ll see…

Any, more information on these suckers can be found at the Bromeliad Society International site, which is http://bsi.org/.

Recently, I bought a mannequin. It’s one of those wooden ones that artists get so that they can figure out the figure, figuratively speaking. According to the box it was “12 inch tall” and “Capable of assuming any position that a human could.” This last line is the one that really stands out.

When I read that, I figured that it was true. Well, whoever wrote that must have the loneliest life ever. I mean, they haven’t even heard of the Kama Sutra, much less cracked one open to see what positions us humans are capable of hurting ourselves in. It should say something like,

Assumes any position (hereafter “Postion” that an extra in a zombie flick can assume, so long as it is symetric. The Position (hereafter (hereafter “Herafter”) “The Postion”) must also include a metal rod, approximately three inches in circumfrence to scale, fixed in an unremovable fashion, plowed directly into the mannequin’s (Herafter “The Figure”) private area. Also, The Postion may not assume any position that in any way resembles, portrays, describes, or resembles sitting; prone; sleeping; falling; milking a cow, goat, dog, or any other mammal; driving a car, eating, mowing the lawn, or anything that a human could feasibly do in the state of Delaware.

It turns out that they are repaving the parking lot. They put notices on everyone’s car around 4:00 yesterday (when my car was at work) that they would be towing cars in certain areas at 7:30. Or so I’ve been told, I wouldn’t put it past them.

No mention of “asphalt”, “construction”, “car”, “lot”, or “tow” any where in the newsletter.

The pilot of the helicopter, I suspect, was looking for a dime he dropped.

The “Newsletter’ arrived yesterday:

Every “newsletter” contains a paragraph or two about what one can keep on one’s balconey. This month’s version was this:

Hmm, I wonder…

Perhaps you’ve wondered what is allowed on your patio or balcony. Well, the following items are NOT allowed: indoor furniture, boxes, trash, blankets, mops, brooms, litter boxes, bed frames, coolers, shelving, tool boxes, and excersise equipment. In fact, the ONLY items permissible for storage on your patio are gas grills, patio furniture, and bikes.

Now, that might not seem all that bad. But that is the tone and voice of the entire damm “newsletter”. This month’s version diverges from past history by including a section, “Meet me at the ‘Bark Park’”. On October 26th, one could go there for a “pet costume contest” — assuming one has any idea what the hell they’re talking about, because they never clarify what, or where, the ‘Bark Park’ is.

It implies that the animals are to be in costume, not the owners. Categories include Scariest Pet, Best Dressed, Celebrity Look Alike [sic], and Wild Card. Winners receive free pet rent for November.

But you can’t put your litter box on a balconey.

But, speaking of pets, I heard a rustling in my kitchen a few nights ago. I turned around and saw the biggest dang beetle that I have ever seen scurry behind my stove. I thought it was a mouse, until it spread it’s wings. Coming up the stairs this evening, I had the pleasure of witnessing a cockroach wandering around. It asked for directions to the bus stop, so I sent it on it’s way.

I don’t mind the roaches, after all I went to high scool with them. But I don’t particulary want to live with them. And I’m not exactly a “dirty” person, I don’t understand why they would want to live here, so this sort of seals my fate for renewing my lease… As much a pain it is to move, I’ll start looking for a new pad soon.

Since my lease expires at the end of september, I’ll try and move within the next few weeks so as to get an apartment while I’m still employed. Won’t that be fun.

Grr.