Manic Oppressive

So I was just outside my apartment, when I heard a squeal of brakes, a swerve, and then the crashing sound of someone running over a parking sign. I look over horrified, and see a car on the curb with lots of smoke and whatnot.

Now, most normal, sane, and rational people would get out of their car at this point. They would wander around, see if there was any damage, move the sign, stagger off to a liquor store, etc. Not this one. He rocked his car back and forth a bit, got it back on the road, and sped off.

So I took his plate number (707-SZM, if you’re curious) and quietly went up to my apartment to call the police. I figured that since the “crime” had already happened, I could get away with calling the non-emergency number instead of the heavy-hammer-like 911. (I still haven’t called 911 in Seattle, so I’m trying to keep my record clean).

So I called it.

This is the Seattle Police Department… If you have an emergency, or if you need medical assistance, hang up and dial 911…

Please listen carefully to the following options …

If you are police or law enforcement and are calling regarding an alarm, press 1.

If you need something that we don’t really understand, feel free to press 2.

For all other options, press 3 or stay on the line

I pressed “3″.

Please listen carefully to the following 9 options.

If you are calling about the whereabouts of a recovered stolen car, press 1

If you would like to report on a car that was impounded, press 2

If you think you may know about a car that will be impounded, press 3

If you are calling to report an Alien Invasion, please press 4

If you are calling to report an Alien Invasion, please press 5

Instead of listening to the other options, why don’t you press 6?

If you would like to report an emergency in Seattle from outside the city limits, or you are calling to report some other odd-ball situation that would be better handled by e911 with trained workers, please press 7.

If you would like to report a non-emergency crime in progress, or report on a crime in progress, or report the evidence of a crime that will require an officer’s presence, or would like to do something else that really doesn’t make a lot of sense but will take us bloody forever to describe on this automated menu thingy, please press 8

So I pressed 8, and got an operator.

Dude, people. What the hell? Put “Non Emergency Crime in Progress” as #1 on the menu. Or better yet, get rid of the menu. Denver doesn’t need one, why do you? And why on earth would I call a non-emergency number to report an emergency in another city?

Grr.

Anyway, I have an accident that I should go clean up before rush-hour.

I was watching the Football game tonight, Denver vs. Seattle. This was difficult for me. When I moved, I decided that I couldn’t abandon my “loyalty” with the Broncos, yet I couldn’t ignore the Seahawks either.

So I told myself, “I have an AFC team, and an NFC team, and blah blah blah”. Well, the ‘blah blah blah’ kinda fell apart tonight when the two went head-to-head.

So I was in a bar, surrounded by Seahawk fans, rooting against them. I wasn’t the only Bronco fan in the place, but we were out numbered. And dang it, 5 turnovers. Err.

Good times being in the minority. Pity I couldn’t yell too loud; I’m fighting a cold.

When I first moved to seattle, and I noticed some of the insanely steep hills, and I wondered what happens when there’s ice.

Now I know. All hell breaks loose.

This is the view outside my apartment window, tilted strangly so I could brace the camera. The angle of this hill isn’t too bad, maybe 7 degrees. Some of the hills are twice that. I imagine a cat would slip just looking up one of those.

Anyway, some of those cars are in control, most of them are stuck. After taking this picture, I went outside and helped get some people unstuck. (First gear, folks.) Then I went inside and fell asleep to the sound of cars trying to make it up the grade.

Also, Seattle Snow makes the best snowballs. Just so you know.

I was watching a weather forecast, and the weather man was forecasting flooding for today. “Gee”, I think, “Flooding, Why did I move here again?” They’re expecting 2-6″ of rain tonight.

I guess that this isn’t really normal; the expectation is that there will be more rain tonight then there is normally in November. So I feel a little bit better.

Oh, and Mom: Thanks for the umbrella. I actually was able to use it today.

Since I moved up to this pretty little corner of the world, I’ve driven about 1800 miles. That includes a brief jaunt up to Vancouver, B.C., so that’s about 200 miles a month.

That number is higher then it should be. There is a reason for this. Occasionally, I get in my car and just sort of drive. The idea is to learn my way around the city, and cause a sudden increase in blood pressure.

A few nights ago, I decided that I needed to go to Bed Bat and Beeeeeeeeeyond! to pick up a larger-then-life trash can so I can store my recycleables. So after spending 30 minutes trying to park and 5 minutes “shopping”, I decided to learn me some more of that Seattle Stuff.

Now, the deal is that if you don’t know where you are, you will invariably end up on a highway, which doesn’t solve any problems at all for you. And this is what happened to me that night; I ended up on a highway.

Then, about 20 minutes later, I was able to get off the highway. Then I drove for about a month and found my way home, a learned man.

Occasionally, in Seattle, my stereo’s receiver picks up these weird, errant signals which causes my speakers to buzz. The signals are brief; maybe about a second long, and they occur a few times a day.

Well, I had enough tonight and I was feeling brave, so I decided to decode one of the signals. It turns out, it’s the Devil, and he’s been giving me directions to my next meal.

So I ended up at IHOP.

Then, when I was paying my tab, the guy behind the counter asked me how I pronounced my name. “I usually don’t,” I replied. “But when I do, it rhymes with clue.” Yuk, Yuk. Then I said, “You know, it took me 20 years to learn how to pronounce that?” Yuk, Yuk.

Then I messed up adding my bill: $11.89 + $3.00 =? $15.89. So he says, “I think your math is wrong…” and I had to agree…

During the day I would say that I live in a nice neighborhood. It’s diverse, close to cool things, and generally not close to a war zone.

At night, however, all hell breaks loose and the strangest of people come rolling out of the wood work. For example:

I drive to the gas station a few blocks from my place. Yes, drive. It’s that kind of area. I get there and grab a few things and wait in line, invariably behind someone who is buying 40’s with bummed change, and they just realized that they had enough money for three instead of two, so they gotta run back and grab one. And by the time that you’ve read that last sentence, they have to do it again.

Then I get to the counter, pay for my things, and start walking to my car.

Well, tonight I was headed back to my car when some lady yells, “Hey, HEY!” This one didn’t beat around the bush: “You doing anything tonight? Can I come with you?”

Um. No.

“Can you give me some money then? I’ll follow you home…”

Um. No?

“I’m not from around here, you see… I’m trying to get back to Portland. If you have 10 bucks, I can make it to Tacoma.”

Now, me having 10 dollars and her getting back to Tacoma are completely unrelated. Still, she pressed on. She even offered to “suck it” if I could get her to Tacoma.

No, no thanks.

So then she says, “Well, I’ll just follow you home.” At this point another hapless guy walks up and says, “Hey, which way to the chocolate factory,” which distracted her enough that I was able to get back to my car. With quick, nervous steps. When I looked back at her, she was backing up over the other guy. She was actually going to follow me. Crazy ****.

Thankfully, my car can handle driving over curbs, and I was able to make a getaway.

On the fourth, I went with some people to see fireworks. I’m still figuring this city out, and these are my notes from the experience:

• My assertion that no one in Seattle has actually lived in Seattle was “slightly” confirmed. We all went to Volunteer Park. People were there, facing West. So we sat and faced West, and saw some stuff “barely over the trees”. Then all of a sudden there was booming to the North, and Us and Everyone flocked to see the things in the North. No one there had seen fireworks from there before. Which I find kind of strange…
• It was the first time in my life that I was actually cold watching them. I really wanted a jacket.

And tonight a crazy lady (well, she was actually pretty normal) walking by was talking about all the crazy people that lived in Seattle. Go figure…

People need to stop asking me for directions. That’s it. Just stop, because I have no idea. And if I do have an idea, I’ll utter, “You can’t miss it” and you will be doomed to wander around forever looking for something.

It would also be nice if people were to not ask me for “spare change” (I don’t have any!) or smokes (They’re expensive!). But I’ll settle with you not asking me where things are in a city I don’t know.

Which reminds me, can I borrow $0.50?

My “new” apartment is in a building that was constructed during the summer of last year. I think that now all of the residential units are filled, but there are still a few commercial units that are empty, and have imposing “For Lease” signs on them.

Once, not too long ago, the corner unit lost it’s For Lease sign. “Swell,” I thought. “It will be a coffee shop with soft music, or a corner grocery” (Because the closest grocery is two blocks away and I’m getting lazy).

But, no; it turns out that it’s a medical supply store, and they recently filled their window fronts with wheelchairs. Which is mildly disappointing, I guess. But I can still wish for the other commercial units, right? Right?